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MAIN PICTUE: Alastair
van Huyssteen in his office. He's been happily married
for 30 years and has four kids. LEFT: He's as proud of
his recently published book as he is of his vintage 1958
Morris Minor. |
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They're like two castaways
on an island. They don't know each other, have nothing in common
and don't understand each other's language. But they're forced
to live on the island together and look for food. One night
they fall in love and live happily ever after. "Who knows what
will happen if you both accept you're simply unable to cross
this ocean. It could be the very catalyst both of you need to
resolve your problems." Think of a lawyer as "a man in an overall",
Alastair writes in his book. "It will be his responsibility
to fix the legal problems, not yours." For our interview today
he isn't' wearing overalls but black jeans and a pullover. This
versatile lawyer is also a songwriter and singer who's made
a CD and has performed at the Klein Karoo arts festival. One
of his vintage cars, a 1958 Morris Minor, is parked outside
his offices in a house in Bellville, north of Cape Town. The
youngest vintage car is 40 years old. Why is he advising how
to save marriages rather than helping to finalise the divorces?
His wife, Janita, who has an honour's degree in psychology,
encouraged him to look at marital problems from a different
angle, he says. He won't divulge anything about his marriage
and family life other than to say they have four kids, two dogs
and two cats. Asked to write an article on divorce for a newspaper,
he didn't feel like writing about the legal aspects. "I wanted
to write about the emotional issues that interest me." He realised
the article could also help to give his clients perspective
and reworked it into a pamphlet. |
honest with each other
and
share their feelings there's a good chance they'll reignite
the spark between them." An affair is one of the crises in a
marriage which, like the empty-nest syndrome, interference by
in-laws, work stress and alcohol- and drug-related problems
can cause a couple to go through a "private divorce". While
some couples are reconciled the same crises land others in the
divorce court. If you're in the midst of a similar crisis the
big question, he says, isn't "Should I get divorced?" Rather
ask yourself, "Am I still married?" "It's not about the legal
situation or a piece of paper; it's about the relationship and
whether it fulfils your expectations of a marriage," he says.
"If the answer is no, the next question is whether you'd marry
your partner again and whether he'd marry you." People who want
to get divorced often complain: "My partner has |
changed." Most people change over
time but perhaps your perception of your partner has changed
too. "But even if your partner has really changed think of him
as your original partner's identical twin and see if you can
fall in love all over again with the twin who has a slightly
different personality." When a couple stay together because
of their kids they needn't be doomed to an unhappy marriage,
he says. |
By
Elretha Louw
Pictures: Jacques Stander |
Six
questions to ask before you get divorced |
THE most important question isn't,
"Should I get divorced?" Alastair says. Rather ask yourself:
• Am I in the relationship I wish to have, using my own
definition of such a relationship, or not?
• Do I want to re-enter into an ongoing relationship with this
person?
• Can I re-enter into and remain in an ongoing relationship
with this person?
• Does this person want to re-enter into an ongoing relationship
with me? |
• Can this person re-enter into an ongoing
relationship with me?
• Should I, for my own sake or the sake of another person
or persons (for example my partner or the children), or
because I have made a vow, or because I am prepared to
carry on caring for my partner regardless of negative
circumstance or for some other reason, remain in this
relationship?
Consider each question calmly and carefully. Remember
what may seem impossible today may be possible tomorrow.
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